Guilt Part 4
The Challenge of Confession
The fear pumping through me that Sunday was so potent it turned my mouth into a desert. My heart was pounding like the epicenter of a massive internal earthquake. Yet my hands were clammy and corpse-like as if blood was no longer reaching them. The sweat soaking my shirt had turned cold as if I was wearing layer of frost. I wasn’t sick, I was getting ready to stand up in front of my entire church congregation and make a confession.
As I walked up onto the church stage where I had ministered so much life, I wished for death. I knew that death was the only alternative way out of what I was about to do. I was sure that would amount to the same thing anyway. The difference seemed negligible. My world was about to be executed.
I stood before the crowd and held my hands behind my back as if facing a firing squad and began to recite the words I had prepared to say. It had taken only a day to prepare them, and it would only take a minute to say them. But facing saying them had taken six long months of agonizing inner turmoil. I was never so terrified in my life.
As I revealed my sin to the people, I experienced what the studies tell us about man’s two greatest fears. After being unable to breathe, the fear of public humiliation is a close second. I’m sure it’s what Christ went through as He hung naked on the cross as a public spectacle. But His disgrace wasn’t because of His faults, mine was. I felt like I was undressing as I exposed the shame of what I had done.
The secrecy, the deceit, the betrayal of family and all who had invested their love and trust in me, meant resignation from the ministry. I knew the reaction was going to be violent. That same year, 1987, two high profile national ministries had also fallen into sexual misconduct. Both were destroyed.
I uttered my final remark to my flock. “Although I am resigning from being your Pastor, I cannot resign from the love I have for all of you.” As I said these words, I felt my body losing its strength, I began to collapse. I found myself literally bent over with uncontrollable heaves of crying and horrible wailing. I was naked with shame. I became humiliation. I was a defenseless disgrace.
What happened next was miraculous.
Fully anticipating the justified wrath that was to come and the understandable reaction of a people betrayed, completely spent and emptied of strength, I awaited whatever was to follow in my wilted position. I expected the fate of tyrants. No stone could be repelled, no sentence could be appealed. What actually happened, however, was unimaginable.
Spontaneously, my congregation rose from their seats and ran forward, not to berate me but to gather around me and to hold me up from falling over. Instead of an opportunity for stoning these amazing people were covering me as the scripture says “love covers a multitude of sins.” They surrounded me, held onto me, hugged me, began weeping and crying out loud to God. The scene was other-world-Iy, almost like a storybook ending.
Encircled with love instead of anger, each member of the church waited to individually embrace me, one by one. They were patient to personally express forgiveness, support, unbroken commitment, and their love that remained unconditional regardless of sin. It took a long time, like a receiving line at a funeral or a wedding. Each tight, sincere, prolonged embrace seemed to remove another layer of reproach. I was rebonded with every one in the church in a unique way that day. I was stunned at their spiritual maturity and frankly quite proud of them.
To my deepest surprise, I wasn’t dead. I was free.
Confessing our faults is unnatural. It’s not usually public like this, but my experience magnifies the basics that accompany any confession. At any level, it’s scary and pride-swallowing. It takes courage. But more than that, it challenges the will. Facing fear always does.
“Just Do It”
“Just do it” would apply here. We all understand what that means. If you wait to feel good about going back and making things right, you’ll never “just do it.” You’ll never want to, and you can be certain your inner rationalizations saying “don’t do it,” will be reinforced by every other well-meaning person with a guilty conscience in the world.
The freedom of a clear conscience affects all the freedoms of your spirit and personality. You can’t fully function or fully enjoy anything while tell-tale guilt is putrefying in a secret place within you. Admit it. Get it out! Face it. The well-being of your soul, your physical health and your future success depends on being guilt-free. And, it affects others too.
Free Spirit
A free spirit is one of the most influential and attractive qualities of any individual. Confession is essential to achieving it and maintaining it. It’s a tough challenge because of what we fear it will bring. But God promises forgiveness and cleansing “if we confess our sins.” Remember Christ interveined in the stoning of the woman who was exposed in adultery.
The challenge is formidable, but it’s worth it. God Guaranteed!
The world did change for me that night. It changed for the better. The only thing that was executed, was guilt and its destruction.